The Pilgrimage of the Lost Gloves

Part 1: Giggles

Throughout this trips report, I will refer to multiple Petes. Danger Pete, squatty Pete, sassy Pete etc.. Please note, these are all the same person. Pete does not have multiple personalities, it’s just how we now take the piss. Enjoy!

The day began with our club photo outside the SU. It was nice and sunny so we took some gear as props from the store room and headed to the photo where we all showed off how photogenic we are. About an hour later we were back in the new, neat, clear and organised stores, and it better ducking stay that way! We kitted up and were off for a Wednesday afternoon trip down Oxlow. Myself and Jacob jumped into the Jimny that reeks of Mary Jane, whilst Aimee, Pete and Louise jumped in Lorna’s Skoda Fabia. Before getting to Oxlow we stopped off in the car park of the visitor’s centre for the bath room. The cubical I went into had a pair of woolly gloves sitting on the ledge, I looked around the empty cubical to find the owner. Having no luck I put them in my pocket with the intention of taking them to the visitor’s centre lost and found.

Upon returning to the cars, Jacob was collecting money to pay the farmer, this is when sassy Pete emerged. The conversation went as followed:

Jacob: We need £2 each to pay the farmer.
Sassy Pete: Maybe, if the farmer needs more money, he should be better at farming.

This left myself and Jacob in hysterics. And I forgot to hand the gloves in. I’m really sorry person missing gloves, but seriously take better care of your stuff.

Finally we got to the farm to find a black VW golf parked outside, who could it be?

Jacob jump back in the car and asked me to guess who it was. Finally giving up, it was none other the Mr. Martyn Greyson.

We headed down the road, got changed and myself and Louise walked up with Martyn whilst Jacob ushered the rest. I rigged the first pitch, clipped into the bolt at the next y-hang and as soon as Martyn felt no weight on the rope he shot down before I could even shout rope free… It was mainly because he was keen to gossip.

We kept going in then aimed to get everything rigged so that the others could follow on quickly as we were quite a big group. Once at the third pitch, instead of focussing on where I was going I continued to gossip with Martyn, which is why when I reached the bottom of the pitch I remembered… we’re not going to east chamber… Duck. I climbed back up whilst listening to Martyn’s giggling, which made everyone else laugh as its as infectious as the plague, then headed down the slope. Once at the bottom of the 4th pitch, Martyn had a nosey around then lead Lorna in west chamber, myself and Aimee followed shortly after. Once we had reached the end of the chamber, Danger Pete followed behind, using a piece of wood -once used for support in the mine- as a walking stick. “Gotta stick up for yourself in a cave” – Punny Peter.

We then attempted photos with Pete’s phone, had a look at Maskhill and then Jacob decided to get people doing that little squeezy wriggly bit. Lorna’s shoulder is prone to dislocation. Lorna should not have done this. She then prussiked the whole way out of Oxlow with one arm. But she’s a tank so its fine. Everyone followed and we were on our way out. Was great, did a nice Wednesday 4 hour trip and everything was funny, freshers were brilliant, what could go wrong!

Part 2: Oh my God, you’re literally bald Jesus.

I followed Lorna up out of the cave with Jacob and Pete behind. By the time I’d reached the top, the rope had frozen solid. I climbed out and started the walk down, 4 minutes into the walk I found a freezing Lorna shouting “I don’t know where I’m going”, and so after a half hug we waddled down together, got to the cars and began a slow and painful changing session in -2 degrees. My hands were burning, but remember! Now I have gloves! I got changed and jumped into Lorna’s car with her, Aimee and Louise whilst we waited for Jacob and Pete. Jacob got changed, said good bye and was off to Manchester. Once he left and we were all ready for the drive back, excited to be back in Nottingham for half 11, Lorna’s ignition wouldn’t start.


It was at this point Lorna had a break down. Understandable, so she huddled into me trying to keep warm whilst I though of who I could call.


By this point he was back in Sheffield, told us to call Lorna’s break down and ring him back once we knew how long the wait was. After we hung up we rang Jacob and asked him to head back and see if he could help. This was followed by a 10 MINUTES WAIT ON HOLD WITH RAC! Awful. I don’t know how Aimee had the patience. It then took another 10 minutes to explain to him where we were, for him to then tell us it would take 2 hours before someone would get here. So, we texted Martyn. He then replied with “I’m on my way”.

Jacob arrived to try and start the car again and came to the conclusion that we needed jump leads, which he didn’t have. So, with Lorna on my lap with a blanket wrapped round us, wearing the gloves and trying to calm herself down. We waited for our saviour who had been driving at 90mph through the Peak District on icey roads to get to us! Finally, lights shone behind the car and Martyn opened the door, handed up hot chocolate in 3 flasks and sesame seed biscuits. It was this point in time where grateful Pete announced the Matryn was “Literally bald Jesus”.

He got the car started, we warmed Lorna up and after 2 hours beside Oxlow farm, we finally got off. We the had to cancel the RAC emergency call which left Louise remarking “can the club pay me back for my phone bill charges” and me bitterly replying that this was a conversation for another time when we could feel our feet. Lorna the tank managed to drive us all back and she and I ate cheese toasties before bed.

Thank you, bald Jesus.

By Lydia Leather, 29/11/17